"Do You Miss Me?"

Drew and I are in Dallas this week.  We came to see Ryan and Sadie for 6 days.  A lot of down time which I don't have at home so that means a lot of thinking time I often don't have at home.  I called pops to check in this morning.  As expected he wanted to talk to his little lady.  Drew got on the phone and this is how it went:

Drew:  Papa do you miss me?

Papa:  Drew I always miss you when you're not here.

Drew:  I'll be back soon .. just think about that and you'll be ok.

HA! I love their conversations.  So simple and yet every time they leave me with the sweetest feeling.  I love everything about those two together.  They give each other so much.  I feel so lucky to be able to watch them, listen to them.  

Dad seems good this week.  No worse, and we know it won't get any better.  When I get home I'm starting the question of the day.  Every day I'm gonna ask him questions about his life, his loves, his childhood.  You know the whole wheat bread vs white bread thing.  He'll be annoyed.  But I'll have more of papa to pass on to the princess.  

I'll say it for the hundredth time.  My promise to my child is that she will know her papa like he's been here all her life.  And yes, it's for me too.  I can't imagine my life without this man.  I've started making sure I'll never have to live without him.

Though not physically with me forever, he'll be with me forever.  

      

Some Days

Some days I'm accepting.  Some days I'm angry.  And so I write.  Today I'm a little of both.  I accept this but I'm so mad.

I was talking to one of my brothers the other day and we were saying how when we were kids, we always had security.  Never uncertainty.  Now as we've gotten older, we've learned that there are no guarantees.  We're forced to just roll with what we've got at this moment.

I do consider myself and the rest of my family pretty damn lucky.  I've had an amazing life so far.  My childhood is something I look back on and smile.  I couldn't have asked for a better one.  Never a dull moment.  And now here we are.  If you want to get technical, we say goodbye to my dad a little each day.  I'm holding onto so many memories.  Those are what get me through.  On so many nights when I close my eyes, I go back to the family vacations to Disney World, the job sites with dad and my brothers, every basketball game of mine dad came to, our 4 horses we rode together ... oh the horses.  Dad could ride and he loved it more than anything.  It took him back to uncle Al and the days on his farm.

So I guess I just need to keep reminding myself how lucky we are and how thankful I am.  That Drew knows and loves her papa, that I have had the most loving and dedicated father, and that I've seen the example of my mom and dad's love that is one of a kind.  Its what we should all have.

And at the end of the day when I watch dad kiss Drew while she's sleeping, I know nothing else matters but this moment right now.

   

   

  

So today's one of the hard days ...

So today's one of the hard days.  The doctors said this would happen more frequently, we know that.  Doesn't mean we aren't in denial.  It hurts really bad and who wants to feel that?  Not me .. not any of us.

It's getting harder and harder for dad to do the easy things we all take for granted.  Like hanging something in the closet or unloading the dishwasher.  Today it was his sweatshirt.  He couldn't figure out how to put it on.  We all put clothes on every day, come on.  We all unload dishwashers, hang clothes, take phone calls, make appointments, remember (sometimes) appointments, etc.  But dad had a hard time putting his sweatshirt on today.  These little moments hit me like a ton of bricks.  Face first, right into a brick wall.

I was talking to my sister today.  We're all so happy we have each other.  It's so great to be in a crowd of people and be able to turn to any one of them and just cry.  Laugh.  Hope.  And they get it.  We all know this is going to happen.  But we all know we have each other to lean on and the common thread in all of it is our love for the most wonderful man I know.

To my daddy, I see you fading.  And I know it's your journey, the way it is supposed to happen.  But I promise you that my voice will always be here to tell you it's ok.  Because it is.  You are and always will be my guy.  Your family loves you more than you could ever know.  We're here.

 Always <3.

Just life

Well needless to say we've been a little busy :)  Dads been so good, so lucid.  There are times during the day he gets confused but for now it seems to be a little less frequent.  Even if for just now ... I'll take it.  The thing I notice most now about pops is it's hard for him to take direction of more than one thing at a time.  To say "Dad, could you go outside, check the mail and get the newspaper" might be too much.  We're learning to ask small things ... one at a time.  He told me the other day he gets frustrated when he can't think of the right thing to say.  I see that often.

Dad went to a Tigers game with Michael, Matt, and Charlie.  Michael bought him a Tigers pullover and dad refuses to wear it so it doesn't get dirty .. I'm in the process of trying to scheme an escape plan with it .. stay tuned.

So Drew met her dad for the first time in her life in September.  Papa Berns was a little leery at first.  He would say "but I'm her guy."  Truth is, no one will ever take papa's place.  He's more comfortable with it, just wants to make sure we aren't going anywhere.  "Don't worry dad, until I find someone to marry, I'm on the foreverlivingwithmyparents plan."  I'm not sure if the look I get after saying that is relief or terror.  Whatever.

So we have a lot of travel coming up.  November is Minnesota, December is South Carolina and Florida.  I want to make sure dad sees as much family as possible.  South Carolina is to see Uncle Jimmy, the boys, and my 2nd cousins.  I can't wait for that trip.  I've realized there really is nothing like family.  Ever.  I'm soaking up every single second I can.

I'll be updating as we go on the trips but I'll leave with this one thing.  This "long goodbye" at times is so hard I can't handle it.  But writing here and talking to family and friends gets me through.  And what could be better than our Tigers in the playoffs?  Night after night, late game after late game, dad and I are together in the family rm with our fingers crossed as I pace.

That's the good stuff.

Oops .. it's been awhile ....

It's been a little while, so lots to catch up on.  Me and mom have been so busy working, Drew's at school, and dads been at home or at the Party Store checkin out his latest lottery tickets or scratching instant tickets in the parking lot lol.  I know he does that because the floor of his truck has so many shavings you could literally use a small shovel to get them out!  All the boys at the Party Store love him and they write the days on his tickets so he knows when to bring them back to be checked.  "You're not rippin me off now are ya?"  Dad always asks.  They just laugh, and though I'm not cynical, I hope they wouldn't take advantage of him.  Overall I think they are very sweet people.  Those people, that Party Store, and the lottery tickets they print out are what he gets out of the house for.  That's his daily "errand."

Dad still drives, but not that far.  I think inside he knows he might get confused about where he's going and it makes him nervous.  I was thinking back today about when I was growing up and he would leave for work at 7am with my brothers and not return until dinner.  He knew his way around everywhere, near, far.  We drove to Florida every year with the Santeius ... he drove most of the way.  Now of course the length his truck travels might not ever be over 10 miles a day.  But he gets out, he still has some independence.  God help us when that goes!

Things have been fairly quiet; we took dad to the VA yesterday to get his yearly physical.  His numbers have drastically improved, said the doctor.  Now if you asked me what numbers I could tell you every one.  That's what we do lately, mom and I.  We know units, we know ounces, milligrams, milliliters, we know BP numbers, blood sugar numbers,  Creatine, A1C numbers, kidney function levels,  good, bad, indifferent.  We know it all.  And we can laugh because now dad knows that sneaking that regular pop just isn't worth it.  Mom and I hover over the glucose meter in anticipation for the 3 seconds it takes to give the reading.  If that number is over 120, God bless his soul, he's getting yelled at!

Today Drew wanted to wear her blue shirt that says "I Love My Papa" on it.  "He (papa) will be so happy I have this on."  I usually let her dress herself in the morning; sometimes she looks like a tiny hobo but today she was adamant about wearing that shirt.

I know that Drew picked our family for a reason.  I know one of her "jobs" here is to be the light of her papa's life in this hard time.  I know he hasn't even remotely liked the aging process.  He wants to be young again, riding horses, building pools, and traveling with mom.  I know some days are harder than others but I also know he's thankful to have such an amazing family.  And I know he's thankful for Drew.  I am thankful for Drew for my dad.  Does that make sense?  She keeps him on his toes, he teaches her things, she teaches him things.  They have both taught me so much.  They have their own little language.  I love capturing it.  I feel like through the hundreds of pictures I've taken of them together, he will somehow always be with her.

Troy called today from Texas.  Dad loves to hear from his boys.  He hears enough from his girls lol.  I saw his eyes light up when he asked about Troy's work.  He was very lucid during that conversation.  At the end he told him "I love you" which he never does.  I guess aging is a funny thing.  My grandma (whose the same age as dad) always says you look back at everything and ponder ... what if .... how in the ... why ... etc.  So I'm sure there's a lot of that going on right now.  We're all here for you pops.  Ponder away.

The Big Guy Turns 83

So the big guy turns 83 today.  He seems depressed but that's all part of the disease so we're gonna do our best to get him out of his funk.  Mom started out by making him his favorite breakfast ... I just experimented in the kitchen and made him a turkey Panini (anything more than a Panini would've been disastrous).  He said he liked it; maybe just being nice, who knows.  Of course there will be an abundance of cucumbers cut with a salt and pepper drizzle.  Those are a staple in his diet.  I don't remember a time we were ever without cucumbers for more than a day.

We are currently arguing over the reasons I think Gillette's are better than Bics.  "Remember that razor you had that looked like a car shifter in the 80s?  Wasn't that a Gillette?" I say.  "Bye.  I'm going to the store to buy Bics."  Those are the extent of our arguments these days lol.  They're really simple.  It seems like almost every day, something new confuses him, even if just for a minute.  Sometimes it lasts a lot longer than a minute.  We pull him back, and his recovery is perfect.  "Oh yea yea I know that!" lol.  I don't even think the word 'thankful' can accurately describe how I feel about being able to have my dad every day and write about him in this blog.  My parents are simply my favorite people besides Drew.  They are both a wealth of knowledge and love.  They love us with everything they have and we know it.  Our family is crazy, we fight, we talk shit, there's drama, but there's so much love it's unbelievable.

These days I try to ask dad as many questions as I possibly can about everything; how long were you in  the Korean War, what was it like living in Detroit when it was beautiful, what was your favorite part of raising horses, why do you like white bread better than wheat?  These are all questions I ask him.  I know I drive him crazy sometimes and he laughs at me, but I'm taking it all in.  Every second except when he's lost.  I push those moments aside and in reality, I'm probably in the process of blacking them all out.  That's not our dad.  Drew woke up this morning amidst dad's cell phone rings with my sibs one by one, calling to wish him a happy bday.  I told her to remember its papa's bday and say it when you go downstairs.  She went downstairs and sang Happy Birthday to him, the whole song.  His eyes lit up, it was cute.  It was a good start to both of their mornings.  Just something that little.  Loved it.

We are taking dad to one of his favorite restaurants tonight, Rocky's in Northville.  Of course he'll order a filet cooked medium; he lives for steak.  Dads a steak n potatoes guy.  Actually so are all of the boys.  It's probably MOST boys right?  I'm sure he'll have something funny to say for me to post on Facebook.  I'm sure every waitress and bartender that knows him will stop at the table.  I can only hope that if I'm here for 83 years, I can have as lucky a life as he has had.  For so many people to love someone that much, that's gotta be just a little bit of magic.

      

What she carries.

I took Drew to Nashville this weekend to move Sara down there.  I talked to both mom and dad the whole time I was gone.  Mom told me on Saturday when I called that cousin Nancy died.  I was sad.  But the first thing that came to my mind was my dad.  It was his niece.  This would be one of several deaths this year of people in our family.  Young, old, older ... every time I see dad say goodbye to someone in our family, I see him ponder his own mortality.  Just for a minute but it's there.  It's hard to  watch.

Sunday we got home and had a birthday dinner for uncle Andrew, uncle Chris, and Drew.  Dad loves when his family is around him.  This would be a good time to bring up mom and my gratefulness that she's in my dad's life.  He loves her more than anything in the whole world.  I've known that since I can remember.  I have always known that my mom is my dad's most favorite soul.  After all, she married him at 25 when he was 47 with custody of his 6 kids.  Crazy, right?!?!  That's some love right there.  And now, after being married for 35+ years, their relationship is different.  Mom takes care of dad and tests his blood sugar 3 times/day, makes sure he has his insulin, he eats right, goes to dr appts, remembers dates, communicates with family, knows families' names at funerals, (lol) etc .  She is his rock now.  He was her rock and now she's his.  I see the way he looks at her, sometimes mad haha, but mostly grateful.  He knows what she carries.  I think she's amazing.