Always have.
So many times, perhaps thousands in the last couple of months I have asked myself if I asked him enough. It plays in my head over and over and over. The record spins, it skips, it spins. Did I ask him enough. And will he be here with me. Will he check on us. Will he visit Drew. Will he know we miss him. Will he watch the milestones. But most importantly, did I ask him enough. It's kind of annoying. I can't do one thing about it, so have you ever panicked because you realize halfway to work you left the curling iron plugged in? Yea, that. Did I ask him enough.
And the silence is deafening.
When I get sad, or angry, or feel helpless, I pull away from everyone and everything. It's just the way I operate. I couldn't care less if it's right. It's my way. Shit I even pull away from daddy. I get so fucking mad, like this is his fault. Ok maybe not his but someone's. This shit is someone's fucking fault. The mixed emotions I feel every day are like a really crazy painting. One with absolutely no object that someone threw together and you think to yourself "Now who the Hell would pay for that?" Apparently I inherited it for free.
It's just hanging there.
I have the worst headache today. My eyes feel like dry wells. Nothing left to give. Then tonight when Drew and I walked into mom and dad's and dad was in his chair surrounded by brother Mike, Amy, Mark, mom, and cousin Margaret, I felt that sense of peace again. Thank God he is home; he can feel our love all over him like the warmest blanket you can find. The one with the soft fleece on one side. That's all I want. Well that's a lie; I want him back but that's not gonna happen so once reality settles in I realize peace and warmth for him is all I want.
But hold on ... I've had one emotion for 20 seconds so time to switch gears ...
I feel alone. I'm definitely NOT alone. I have a million family members I can call at any given moment. I have friends that love me like crazy and would do anything for me. I am the center of my child's universe and she is engraved in my soul. I am definitely NOT alone. But I always feel that way. I guess it's because I'm alone with my thoughts. I can't escape them and I'd love to .. just for a few minutes a day. Stop thinking about the Disney World trips and how dad would act like a kid again, stop thinking about him taking me on the job sites with all of the boys, stop thinking about his jokes, his laugh, his love for my mom, his ability to command a room, his love for his family, his firm back hand if you were a smart ass, the fact that he never missed one of my basketball games, his generosity, his love for horses, his love for cars, jumping out of bed at the sound of his door knob at the end of the hall ... "I'm up!" ... every single one of my brothers knows that one!!! It just goes on and on.
In my heart and my head, this is the end of the greatest era I will ever see.
When something ends, something new begins. That's what I always hear so that's what I'm gonna go with. I guess now it's about dad's journey. I have said a million times that I'm so lucky to have had him.
WE are so lucky to have had him.
To Drew, as you get older I will constantly remind you to hold memories tight.
And always remember that with family and love, you are unbreakable.
