Full Circle. This First Year Was a Bitch ....

A year.  12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes.  I'm not going to even do the seconds but whichever way you look at it, it's a long fucking time.  It's been a bear of a year.  Head down, focus on what's ahead, and understand that controlling the controllables is all you can do.  Damn.  Indeed an explosion of emotional instability ... I am not cut out for this.  Knowing I have no choice makes it all that more interesting.  "Hey mommy, why are you crying?  Did you hurt yourself or are you thinking about papa?"  Don't worry, Drewy, its just mommy's lack of knowing which way is up  ... cry, laugh, scream ... ?  I couldn't be more grateful for Drew.  She gets me.  As she stands staring at me intently, she knows not to hug me until it's over.  She makes me feel better just being in the room.  She knows this.

For the last few days I've woken up in a mess of sweat and tears before my alarm goes off.  Then as I lay there, I slowly remember the dream I was in a few minutes before.  You're there, ALWAYS.  Whether we're laughing or I even remember yelling at some point, you're there, ALWAYS.  Kind of like my real life.  You were forever in my face, letting me know I was loved and you were there.  Letting me know I screwed up, but you were there.  Letting me know I shouldn't lie to a man who taught others about body work and paint on cars about how mom's car got creamed ... oops!  But you were there.  To say you're "gone" makes me cringe.  Like the kind of cringe you get when you watch someone sing in front of a crowd when they really can't ...   I really hate the word gone when I'm talking about you.  I hate everything that has to do with you not being by our side.  It takes my breath away.

I read something the other day about what you learn when you lose a parent and a couple of the points struck me.  One said that when you lose a parent, you become more affectionate and attached.  Uhhh, not at all what I've experienced.  I pull away when I'm in pain.  Almost completely withdraw.  Everyone else has aches of their own, who wants to hear my shit?  There are only a select few I unload on.  They know who they are.  They're the ones standing with shields and armor next to me at the bar or sitting with me on my couch laughing at nothing.  Best friends anyone could ask for.  The last year would have been even more unendurable without them.  Believe me, I appreciate you even if I don't say it.
The next point was you learn not to waste time.  Learned that, maybe even in the last month, but I've learned it.  Anyone or anything that doesn't measure up can watch the back of me as I leave.  Not worth it.  If I could take back every minute with you I took for granted, I would.  It's just a lesson.
A very tough lesson that unfortunately isn't learned until after the fact.  Ugh.

I am embarking on a new journey shortly and man, do I wish you were here.  You would tell me what to do.  You knew everything.  You would have a ton of jokes, laughing about the what ifs, but I would know if the decision I'm making is right.  I wouldn't question it because I never questioned anything you said.  Ever.  One of the greatest gifts you and mom gave me was security.  In all things.  It's a very strange, eery feeling to know there's only one of you now.  She does a damn good job keeping the security thing in play ... But sometimes I just need you.  A LOT of times, I just need you.

Michael tells me I need to let go of you because you have moved on and I need to move on too.  I don't feel like it.  I'm sorry if I'm keeping you around but I can't let go.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel your being.  It's comfort and I'm not ready to be without it.

It's fascinating to me that a year has gone by (not the good kind of fascinating).  Without you.
That's a gross fucking statement right there.  Without you.  

It takes my breath away.