We're quickly approaching a year which is unbelievable to me. So many things have happened that I wish you were here to see. Well I know you see them, I just wish I could see you see them. My life has been a series of terrible decisions and a million second guesses lately and no matter when I ask you for the answer, I see you with your signature hand move saying "Leave it be." One of the sentences I heard you say again and again through the years. You were so wise like that. Just leave it be. Let it happen. Well, just know I hear it even though I haven't been listening to it until recently. You didn't really expect me to miraculously start taking your great advice, did you? Sorry to disappoint haha.
I watched a video today of cousin Dawn's wedding to Will. I know you and Tim are having quite the reunion up there with the family, but the video made me bawl like a baby. Just as Tim wasn't there to walk Dawn down the aisle to the love of her life, if I ever get married, you won't be there either.
For some reason that crushed my soul today.
I want to dance on the tops of your feet with my whole hand wrapped around your thumb.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a kid again. When I think of you, I struggle to remember the end and the difficulties of our every day. I don't like to think about you forgetting your words, the safety covers on the stove knobs so you couldn't turn them on, the long sleepless nights, the bedside commode that you almost pummeled me for making you sit on (LOL). Nope, I don't think about any of that longer than a couple minutes. I think about you and your rhymes you would spout off out of nowhere, the slaps on the back of my brothers' heads, your morning coffee spoon trick, your peanut butter toast with butter that no one could make as good as you did, or that damn raspberry coffee cake (HAD to be Entenmann's), you working tirelessly with the boys on the lawn on Parklane, the way you looked at mom every single day ... Hey! I even went to a Mexican restaurant on your birthday and saw those friggin parrots hanging on perches just like the ones you bought off that lady in Acapulco... remember that? I sent a pic to Amy while I was at lunch and she laughed so hard. Omg those things were EVERYWHERE for YEARS! And all because you didn't want a pregnant woman to have to peddle all day on a hot beach. How many of those things did you buy, like 150? I was just a kid, Drew's age actually, but I'll never forget that. I've always been so proud of you, dad.
How lucky was I that I had a father so incredible that missing him actually gives me a pain in my chest? Well duh .... I know I'm luckier than most. So what. I miss him and I want him here. No matter how many voices say he's always with me and sees, blah blah blah, I know all that. But the thing I long for at this moment, more than any other thing, is a hug from my dad. Every time I walked in the house, he would say "Hey, kid!" My biggest fan for sure. How I miss that voice.
Drew constantly notes how handsome and tan you are now. I believe her. And I thank you for sticking around for her. She's a busy kid, but there isn't a day that passes that she doesn't mention her papa. She misses you immensely. Me, you, and mom are her people. You made it possible, along with mom for me to give her the most loving formative years. I've said before that she will be a little funnier, a little kinder, and a little wiser for knowing you. That little lady is going to carry you with her for the rest of her life and for that I couldn't ever thank you enough.
Day to day hasn't changed. We are learning to deal, but sometimes the emptiness is all consuming.
Someday, maybe, I will semi accept that the road continues without you, but it's never going to be okay with me.
