It's the most astonishing concept to me that the death of my dad has actually taught me a lot about myself. My feelings, the tangible realization that life is so short, my worth, my time, the importance of all of the little moments in a day. I'm working on it. I'm working on it. The importance of the little moments. And trying to grasp that there will be times when you wanna hold on but you gotta let go. Learning to breathe. What a concept.
Crying every day hasn't subsided. Triggers are all over the place, of course. Like the other day, leaning on a chair at my table, my friend must've noticed my face and asked me what I was thinking about. This glass vase of shells I was looking at reminded me of pops and his favorite place. Ugh. I love to hate those moments.
A little extra streak of anger has crept in for sure. Sometimes I'm so mad that I'm missing my dad so much. And I'm mad that Drew is missing out on the greatest man I've ever known. I don't care that she was lucky to have him for 6 years. She doesn't have him now. I actually grabbed for my phone when I got an accepted deal on a house the other day. I thought in my head "gotta call dad, he'll love the way this played out." Fuck! How the Hell did I just forget I can't call him?! Happens all the time. Or I'll think "I haven't talked to dad in a minute...." Well no shit! You don't say ....
With the anger comes gratitude believe it or not. I have a lot of friends that make me laugh. I also have a lot of friends that remember the healthy and hilarious Bernie that everyone loved. Those stories are like a bear hug. Irreplaceable. He touched everyone he knew. Man do I miss those shananigans. There's really nothing else to say about him that I haven't already. He was just that guy.
Drew misses her papa and talks about him every day. She will be a little sweeter, a little funnier, and a lot stronger from knowing him. He loved her with his whole heart and soul. She'll carry that with her .... see, there's some more of that gratitude thing.
It's been 7 months so I just wanted to write. Nothing important. You're not going to find anything profound here, that's for sure. Just a girl missing her dad and wanting to write about it. Yawn.
