So Long.

By so long I mean soooooo long.  Why does it feel like it was so long ago?  Is this me in denial?  I don't even remember the stages of grief and I've googled them like 12 times.  The dreaded words:  my dad passed away 21 days ago.  These have been the longest, most clouded, chaotic 21 days of my life.  Between losing my dad, a million people around all the time, worrying about mom, worrying about Drew, missing my dad madly, airport trips, broken sleep, I am absolutely exhausted.

And I don't think it's hit me.

I feel like a huge drum.  Sounds so weird ... it does to me too but that's the only thing I've been able to think of that represents this hollow.... loud feeling.  It's so empty and so loud.  If you beat a drum, the sound lingers.  Rolls like thunder.  I hate this.  I never knew I could miss someone so much but yet feel so lucky that I had him as my father for 36 years.  The guy was incredible.  Over 200 people at his memorial and I'm still getting cards in the mail.  Leaving an impact on the world around you like that is what everyone strives for, right?  So proud of him. 

Here we go with the roller coaster.  Far from over I'm sure.

I read a story from my mom at the funeral and never wavered.  Although I did almost knock down the podium .. . truly.  There are times that I'm shocked that I can get through a story, a thought without shedding a tear or even having to swallow a lump.  But then there are the times that I can't even speak.  Occasionally I panic and there's about 9 seconds where I think I'll never be able to live without him.  I snap out of it, but those 9 seconds are excruciating.  I'm so sick of tears burning my eyes.  That damn film gets on my contacts and I can't see shit.  I always notice now.  I notice little girls with their dads, I notice red F-250s coming toward me on the road, I notice Marine tattoos, I notice papas with their granddaughters, I notice the absence of Obsession cologne in my every day, I notice that the paper doesn't come to the house anymore and I notice the space that he filled.  The idea of a wedding or seeing wedding pictures of brides with their daddies sends me into a moment for sure.  The emptiness is all consuming.  Every day I laugh out loud and every day I cry really hard.      

How long is this going to hurt?  I know I know, no time limit.  I wish I had a crystal ball.  I can however say this one thing.  That in a way it has brought us together even tighter.  Talk about leaning.  It's beautiful to have my mom and my siblings.  It just is.  No one else knows the empty like they do.  Yikes.

Worrying about Drew a little ... She has barely cried and when I gently asked her why, she said "Because he never left.  He's been right next to me."  I hope it's true.  I really really hope it's true. 

I'll just say that I'm waiting for time to do its job.  Is better even possible?  I keep thinking about all of the things I will miss with him.  Opening Day won't ever feel the same, that's for sure.  The list gets a new addition daily.  I want to also thank my mom for constantly being in all of our faces with a video camera for years.  Because of her, Drew and I will never forget what papa's voice sounded like.

Surely one of my most favorite sounds.