Just trying to vent and move people simultaneously

It just took me about 10 minutes to remember my login for this thing.  A little upsetting because it means I haven't sat here for awhile.  In front of this blank page trying to vent selfishly and move people at the same time.  It's therapeutic.

Today is your birthday.  You would've been 89.  I decided to turn this day into a good one a year ago.  I hated it for 2 years.  Believe me or not, I STILL can't believe you're not physically here and I think about you more now than I did last year.. or the year before.. or the year before that.  I talked to Troy on the phone this morning and since it's the same for both of us, we were trying to make sense of it.  Maybe it's because of all of the things I'm accomplishing in my life that I want you to see, the little people I want you to kiss on the forehead.  Signature Berns.  And actually a pretty big person I would give anything to see you interact with.  Magic meeting magic.  I'd have a blast witnessing that.

I always find myself reminiscing these days.  Like, "geez Courtney, live in the now because you're just about the luckiest girl on planet Earth."  I know this.  I love my life, everyone in it, and everything it has become.  And every single human on Earth deserves the kind of life and love I have.  But let me tell you, losing my dad has changed me forever; my heart, my brain, every aspect of everything. It has also taught me so much.  Some things, I still push back on and probably always will but the only thing I can try to do with this loss and processing it, is to learn.  So shitty.

First of all, I'm really pissed.  A lot.  My dad was, to me, invincible in so many ways.  He was so kind, generous, protective, strong, honest ... although we, just now after his death, found out be broke his back riding our horse and not falling into an empty pool in '93 (story told so mom wouldn't freak out), so honest 100% of the time is a stretch LOL.  He would give a nice, solid smack on the back of the head to anyone who deserved it, usually the boys or their friends, but man was he the first in any one of our corners.  There was nothing more important to the man than his family.  He balanced my mom, he accepted everyone he met, he yelled very seldomly but when he did you listened or it was your ass.  He could lift 200 lb boulders at 70 and strategically place them on the waterfalls of his pools.  He constantly put the heads back on mine and Christine's dolls when we were little.  
He bought me the original Nintendo the first day it came out and I still have it.  He bragged about us.   He just made everything around him better.  And I'm really pissed that I don't get to be around that everyday anymore.  Memories aren't the same as living it.  So, no, the whole "may the memories help you" or whatever that is, just don't say it.  It's dumb.

A feeling like I didn't have enough time that's almost like suffocation.  Or letting go of a helium balloon and watching it drift toward the sun and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.  It's panic.  And I used to call you when I would panic.  Your advice came from such a place it was like you just reached up and tore a page out of a 'What To Say and Do to Make Everyone Around You Better For Knowing You' book.  Of course we didn't have enough time together.  35 years is not nearly enough hours.  I still had so much I wanted to show you.  I still can't grasp that we essentially lost you twice.  That fucking disease is horrendous.  I'm mad at it.

Death is so weird to me.  I remember saying in an earlier blog that the finality is breathtaking.  I've never found a better description.  So this person lives, creates, forms relationships, travels, sometimes makes kids, shares stories and ideas, contributes to society in some way, sometimes for a short time, sometimes decades, whatever then BAM!.  All of that is over at their last breath.  Then everyone they leave behind struggles to go on without them.  Isn't that the most fucked up thing you've ever heard?  Talk about the next Bird Box.  But that's exactly what it is!  A CRUSHING blow.  Unbearable at times.  I wish there was some kind of way around it..  A get out of jail free card of sorts.

I was walking down Main St at Disney World the other day and the sight of the castle made me cry, but the fireworks made me look like Amy Winehouse after a bender.  Jesus.  Took my breath away.  How many times did we stand there together watching those?  Some of my favorite memories are those vacations.  You were always such a little kid there.  My God what I wouldn't give.  We passed the Country Bear Jamboree and the Hall of Presidents.  I laughed and immediately texted Mark to laugh at how you couldn't walk by these two boring ass attractions with you without getting pulled in.  "Come on!  Don't argue with me!"  Haha and we'd of course go because you never wanted to disappoint Berns.  Ever.  So laughing happens a lot too, thinking of you.  It's not all humdrum.

Alright I'm not gonna go on and on but I wanted to check in with myself.  I'm doing ok, I really am. I married the man of my dreams (pretty sure he'd be the man of Berns' dreams for me too), added another little lady to the crew, and my work still fulfills me.  Days are different, some all laughs, some annoyingly somber.  So really not much in the Emotions Without Berns category has changed.  Besides I miss him more than I did yesterday.  

The luckiest of girls because of what my life is and the luckiest of girls because of what it was.

  

           

 

Five Hundred and Sixty Nine.

So finally, here I am.  Waited for some kind of 'aha' that I could ramble on about ... never came.  I could just blog about the mundanity that is my life lately  ... Drew ... family ... work ... the goings on in my tiny brain.  Every time I come here, in exchange for the freedom I get to write what I want and leave it on the paper, I am harassed by what I try to ignore on the reg.  I miss ya, Berns.

It's been 569 days, in case you were wondering.

Back in November, I decided to do something I've always wanted to do ..  I worked tirelessly and finally got my Florida real estate license.  Drew and I are going to move there.  It's always been my end game.  Figuring out the optimal time to move has proven to be the clincher, but I feel accomplished.  Fancy even.  I set my mind to achieve something and I did it.  It was hard and exhausting, but I did it.  My family support was unwavering, as always.  Pops would indeed be bragging to his pool customers, haha.

In the last almost 8 years of my life, and even more recently, I have come to understand that time is one of, if not the greatest freebies in life.  We are afforded the ability to give others our time when we choose to ... and in most instances, it proves to be less than enough.  Time with our children, time with our aging parents, siblings, time with good friends for impromptu beers and bonfires.  I figured out, with the help of one of my favorite people on the planet that my father's death opened my eyes to time.  Simple as hell ... And it hit me like a truck when he said it…that whole epiphany thing.   Yes, time may be free, but it goes by faster than I care to admit, my darlings, so spend it wisely.  And always remember, you're allowed to leave any story.

Spend. It. Wisely.

Like my last $5.  I'd choose Starbucks every time.  Wise.

Since pops left us, countless friends of mine have lost their parent(s).  It's a club no one wants to join.  The initiation is brutal.  I swear, until you lose a parent, you have absolutely no idea where we're coming from.  Did you read where I said it's been 569 days?  Yea that's 569 days of thinking about my dad and wishing I could have just 10 more minutes.  5 even.  Thankfully, the times of WHOLE day crying have greatly diminished.  Now instead of the 16 hrs I'm awake and not dreaming of him, I only think of him 15:57.  I think I'm making great progress.  Fuckin A.

Yes, yes.  I am fully aware that I can't let the pain dictate my demeanor.  I heard that dumb shit the other day ... **this is me rolling my eyes.**

Don't worry, I've already tried.  I've pinched myself 1000 times.  My dad is really gone.  

The number of occasions on record because of mom's trusty camcorder are many, but somehow still not enough.  We watch them often.  I know I've mentioned before how grateful I am that mom followed all of us around at every single family function with a camera in our faces.  She had no idea what she was creating for everyone around her.  Mostly now, for Drew.  She gets to hear my dad's voice whenever she wants to.  She gets to see him in his prime loving his kids, loving my mom, she gets to hear all of us worshipping our first hero.  She asks a lot of questions and I love to tell her stories to make her laugh.  I am well aware that Drew having 6 years with my dad and now hearing the stories and feeling his legacy has been one of the greatest gifts she will receive in this lifetime.  Actually, I as her mother consider it a gift to myself.  My parents and family have been my other half in raising this little lady.  That's quite a remarkable foundation and I am forever indebted.

Honestly ask yourself if you think you've done enough.  If you've asked enough questions, spent enough time, expressed enough, hugged enough, laughed enough.  The answer is always going to be no.  You cannot prepare for lost time, or make up for it, but for right now, you can be present.  Make sense?  In other words just be in every moment you encounter.  The heartache is tangible and achingly raw when the minutes are gone, so do yourself a favor and BE in every moment you can.  Be conscious about it.

Let that sink in.  Today, not tomorrow.

To Drew, you will always have parts of papa inside you.  The parts of you that are kind and thoughtful; the parts of you that are funny and inquisitive; the parts that are helpful and understanding.  Those are you, mixed with him:  The grandest brew I ever did see.  I am doing my absolute best to keep him in the forefront of that little mind of yours.  This loss has been tremendous.  Thank you for helping me to see what is important.  I'm so proud of who you are.  He's with us always, I promise.

To Dad, the words "I miss you" and "I wish I could ..." are so fucking old to me.  There's gotta be some other verbiage in the English language no one knows to describe this awareness.  It's painful, hollow, it's all consuming,  frightening, it's daunting, causes me to panic frequently, and I. LOATHE. IT.  I never want to forget your voice or the way it felt when you hugged me.  Safe.  I never want to forget your jokes, the way your eyes lit up at Disney World, the way you looked at Drew, and the way you loved my mom.  I never want to forget your hands.  Those hardworking, gentle hands.  They could carry boulders and lay brick, pull back on the greenest of stallions, or touch the end of a baby's nose to make her smile.  Your kindness is unparalleled.  Thank you for my childhood and all the years after.  Thank you for showing Drew how it's done.  Thank you for showing me how it's done.

Those are some lucky fucking angels.    I didn't get to love you long enough here.

                










      

So Many Lessons

My dad made me read this to him about 100 times.  He loved it so now I think of him when I read it.  It's a letter to Drew I wrote when she was 4 and papa started to decline.  ❤️❤️

Funny how life's experiences bring out the feels and make you ponder.


For Drew ... on a Saturday.

First let me tell you the most important thing you’ll ever hear.  I loved you before you were born and now that you are here, its indescribable. You will know one day when you have a child or several.  It’s infinite; the love.  And there’s just no other way to say it.  I would do anything for you at any time.  I can’t promise that I will be here for the rest of your life, but I can sure promise that I will love you for the rest of mine.

I wish I could tell you everything you need to know.  Well I could, maybe, but it wouldn’t mean much.  It’s all in the experience.  We learn from those.  You will learn that you can’t control anything but yourself.  And there are no guarantees.  

I’m gonna tell you a few things that I hope stay with you.

  

Always forgive.  That one’s hard.  So hard.  But do it.  You’re only freeing yourself.  

Try to understand.  Really try to understand.  "Why did she say that?”  "What made him think he could get away with that?"  You will not always know everything about those reasons and it’s not your right to.  Understand that people aren’t you.  You’re the only you and that’s all you need to know.  People do what they do, so just do what you do and you’ll be fine.

You won’t always win.  The whole “everybody wins” thing isn’t real life.  Sometimes you will lose and that’s ok.  Get back up.  

Your heart will be broken countless times.  It happens.  Don’t cry about it longer than necessary.  There’s a time limit on these things.

With every break you will be stronger and you will be one step closer to the man that deserves you.   

You’re going to experience loss.  Of a pet, of family, of friends maybe.  It hurts really bad.  Just know it’s part of life, honey.  Don’t get angry for too long and you can ask why but the only answer is it's just part of life.

  

Revel in the challenges you face and look back on them not with regret, but with gratitude.  Every single thing that happens in your life brings you to the place you are supposed to be.  Always.

Do not EVER get into drugs.  Drew, that will close so many doors for you. No human being that successfully contributes to society is on drugs. If they are, their reign is short lived.  Nothing good will come out of any drug use whatsoever.  You will end up dead or addicted and I WILL NOT let either happen to you.  Should you decide that drugs look like a good time, I will stalk you, I will flip out on you, I will drive you crazy and I will be your worst nightmare (I read that once and couldn’t have said it better).  I will spend every waking moment of my life making your life a living Hell.  Just don’t do it.

Most likely you will have grown up most of your life with a dog.  Keep that going.  Everyone needs a dog.  Or two.  There’s nothing like their unconditional love.  We can learn a lot from a dog.

Sports.  Working out, soccer, dance, whatever.  Stay active forever.  Not only will you stay healthy and fit, you will forever have a release. Something that you love that you can escape to.  Escape daily, even if for just 15 minutes. 

Keep a journal.  Looking back on them is nostalgic and writing in them is therapeutic. 

Get the highest level of education you can, in the classroom and out.  Knowledge is POWER.  Nothing else to say about that. 

Make money.  The famous saying is “Money isn’t everything” and while it’s not, it does mean freedom.  In this society, you can’t do anything without money and you’ll die an early death from stress worrying about how you’ll pay your bills.  That’s just the way it is.  Sorry.  Make money. 

Remember that in life, there is absolutely nothing like family, but a close second is your girlfriends.  DO NOT EVER lose your girlfriends.  The older you get and the more history you have with them, you will realize you need them, their guidance, their laughter, their stories.  

You really, really need them.

Make your home cozy.  You might have a stressful job, tedious errands all the time, a busy hectic schedule, but at the end of the day, you come home.  And there’s nothing like coming home to a place you love to be in, surrounded by your favorite things/people.  There’s also nothing like clean, cold sheets.  Please wash your sheets.  Gross.

Don’t worry if you’re not married by 30.  As I’m writing this, I’m 34 and I’m not married.  I'm also going to be ok.

Please don’t look at yourself in the mirror and think anything but good thoughts.  If you think anything different, it’s up to you to change it and don’t think twice about doing that.  No one wants to be around someone who is self loathing.  Opposite of magnet.

Lastly, every minute with everyone in your life is really a gift.  Cliche, but you never know when you’re having your last conversation with someone or a last hug, last glance, whatever.  Remember it.  The little moments in life are the things that mold you.  I can’t stress this enough. The little moments.

Oh and one more thing.  BE KIND.  Always be kind, Drew.  If everything you do and say comes from a good place, I’ve done my job.     

Always. Be. Kind.

2-2-14 Midnight 

Written on a boring Saturday night while Disney is on the tv and you’ve been in bed for 4 hours.  

Haha never thought this day would come.

  

   

    

Full Circle. This First Year Was a Bitch ....

A year.  12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes.  I'm not going to even do the seconds but whichever way you look at it, it's a long fucking time.  It's been a bear of a year.  Head down, focus on what's ahead, and understand that controlling the controllables is all you can do.  Damn.  Indeed an explosion of emotional instability ... I am not cut out for this.  Knowing I have no choice makes it all that more interesting.  "Hey mommy, why are you crying?  Did you hurt yourself or are you thinking about papa?"  Don't worry, Drewy, its just mommy's lack of knowing which way is up  ... cry, laugh, scream ... ?  I couldn't be more grateful for Drew.  She gets me.  As she stands staring at me intently, she knows not to hug me until it's over.  She makes me feel better just being in the room.  She knows this.

For the last few days I've woken up in a mess of sweat and tears before my alarm goes off.  Then as I lay there, I slowly remember the dream I was in a few minutes before.  You're there, ALWAYS.  Whether we're laughing or I even remember yelling at some point, you're there, ALWAYS.  Kind of like my real life.  You were forever in my face, letting me know I was loved and you were there.  Letting me know I screwed up, but you were there.  Letting me know I shouldn't lie to a man who taught others about body work and paint on cars about how mom's car got creamed ... oops!  But you were there.  To say you're "gone" makes me cringe.  Like the kind of cringe you get when you watch someone sing in front of a crowd when they really can't ...   I really hate the word gone when I'm talking about you.  I hate everything that has to do with you not being by our side.  It takes my breath away.

I read something the other day about what you learn when you lose a parent and a couple of the points struck me.  One said that when you lose a parent, you become more affectionate and attached.  Uhhh, not at all what I've experienced.  I pull away when I'm in pain.  Almost completely withdraw.  Everyone else has aches of their own, who wants to hear my shit?  There are only a select few I unload on.  They know who they are.  They're the ones standing with shields and armor next to me at the bar or sitting with me on my couch laughing at nothing.  Best friends anyone could ask for.  The last year would have been even more unendurable without them.  Believe me, I appreciate you even if I don't say it.
The next point was you learn not to waste time.  Learned that, maybe even in the last month, but I've learned it.  Anyone or anything that doesn't measure up can watch the back of me as I leave.  Not worth it.  If I could take back every minute with you I took for granted, I would.  It's just a lesson.
A very tough lesson that unfortunately isn't learned until after the fact.  Ugh.

I am embarking on a new journey shortly and man, do I wish you were here.  You would tell me what to do.  You knew everything.  You would have a ton of jokes, laughing about the what ifs, but I would know if the decision I'm making is right.  I wouldn't question it because I never questioned anything you said.  Ever.  One of the greatest gifts you and mom gave me was security.  In all things.  It's a very strange, eery feeling to know there's only one of you now.  She does a damn good job keeping the security thing in play ... But sometimes I just need you.  A LOT of times, I just need you.

Michael tells me I need to let go of you because you have moved on and I need to move on too.  I don't feel like it.  I'm sorry if I'm keeping you around but I can't let go.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel your being.  It's comfort and I'm not ready to be without it.

It's fascinating to me that a year has gone by (not the good kind of fascinating).  Without you.
That's a gross fucking statement right there.  Without you.  

It takes my breath away.

The Road Continues, Even Without You

Daddy's birthday just passed.  I woke up on August 9 struggling to find my balance.  By balance I mean bringing the part of me that knows I need to start mine and Drew's day, together with the part of me that wants to lay in bed, staring at a blank ceiling, alone.  Well I didn't lay and stare at the ceiling all day but I might as well have.  Completely useless.  I wasn't very productive, that's for damn sure.  There's something so strange about that because what's so different about this day than any other day?  I miss you so much every single second of my existence so August 9 wasn't really new news.  It's the fucking dreaded firsts.  Gross.

We're quickly approaching a year which is unbelievable to me.  So many things have happened that I wish you were here to see.  Well I know you see them, I just wish I could see you see them.  My life has been a series of terrible decisions and a million second guesses lately and no matter when I ask you for the answer, I see you with your signature hand move saying "Leave it be."  One of the sentences I heard you say again and again through the years.  You were so wise like that.  Just leave it be.  Let it happen.  Well, just know I hear it even though I haven't been listening to it until recently.  You didn't really expect me to miraculously start taking your great advice, did you?  Sorry to disappoint haha.

I watched a video today of cousin Dawn's wedding to Will.  I know you and Tim are having quite the reunion up there with the family, but the video made me bawl like a baby.  Just as Tim wasn't there to walk Dawn down the aisle to the love of her life, if I ever get married, you won't be there either.

For some reason that crushed my soul today.

I want to dance on the tops of your feet with my whole hand wrapped around your thumb.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a kid again.  When I think of you, I struggle to remember the end and the difficulties of our every day.  I don't like to think about you forgetting your words, the safety covers on the stove knobs so you couldn't turn them on, the long sleepless nights, the bedside commode that you almost pummeled me for making you sit on (LOL).  Nope, I don't think about any of that longer than a couple minutes.  I think about you and your rhymes you would spout off out of nowhere, the slaps on the back of my brothers' heads, your morning coffee spoon trick, your peanut butter toast with butter that no one could make as good as you did, or that damn raspberry coffee cake (HAD to be Entenmann's), you working tirelessly with the boys on the lawn on Parklane, the way you looked at mom every single day ... Hey!  I even went to a Mexican restaurant on your birthday and saw those friggin parrots hanging on perches just like the ones you bought off that lady in Acapulco... remember that?  I sent a pic to Amy while I was at lunch and she laughed so hard.  Omg those things were EVERYWHERE for YEARS!  And all because you didn't want a pregnant woman to have to peddle all day on a hot beach.  How many of those things did you buy, like 150?  I was just a kid, Drew's age actually, but I'll never forget that.  I've always been so proud of you, dad.  

How lucky was I that I had a father so incredible that missing him actually gives me a pain in my chest?  Well duh .... I know I'm luckier than most.  So what.  I miss him and I want him here.  No matter how many voices say he's always with me and sees, blah blah blah, I know all that.  But the thing I long for at this moment, more than any other thing, is a hug from my dad.  Every time I walked in the house, he would say "Hey, kid!"  My biggest fan for sure.  How I miss that voice.

Drew constantly notes how handsome and tan you are now.  I believe her.  And I thank you for sticking around for her.  She's a busy kid, but there isn't a day that passes that she doesn't mention her papa.  She misses you immensely.  Me, you, and mom are her people.  You made it possible, along with mom for me to give her the most loving formative years.  I've said before that she will be a little funnier, a little kinder, and a little wiser for knowing you.  That little lady is going to carry you with her for the rest of her life and for that I couldn't ever thank you enough.

Day to day hasn't changed.  We are learning to deal, but sometimes the emptiness is all consuming.

Someday, maybe, I will semi accept that the road continues without you, but it's never going to be okay with me.

There will be times when you wanna hold on, but you gotta let go.

I have undoubtedly come to realize that there are those who think that I should be in recovery mode by now.  Maybe one day a long time ago I would've thought the same.  And maybe sometimes in the present, I feel that recovery mode could be a viable option shortly.  Then I push the 'shortly' off and understand that shit will just happen when it happens.  Who even knows.

It's the most astonishing concept to me that the death of my dad has actually taught me a lot about myself.  My feelings, the tangible realization that life is so short, my worth, my time, the importance of all of the little moments in a day.  I'm working on it.  I'm working on it.  The importance of the little moments.  And trying to grasp that there will be times when you wanna hold on but you gotta let go.  Learning to breathe.  What a concept.

Crying every day hasn't subsided.  Triggers are all over the place, of course.  Like the other day, leaning on a chair at my table, my friend must've noticed my face and asked me what I was thinking about.  This glass vase of shells I was looking at reminded me of pops and his favorite place.  Ugh.  I love to hate those moments.

A little extra streak of anger has crept in for sure.  Sometimes I'm so mad that I'm missing my dad so much.  And I'm mad that Drew is missing out on the greatest man I've ever known.  I don't care that she was lucky to have him for 6 years.  She doesn't have him now.  I actually grabbed for my phone when I got an accepted deal on a house the other day.  I thought in my head "gotta call dad, he'll love the way this played out."  Fuck!  How the Hell did I just forget I can't call him?!  Happens all the time.  Or I'll think "I haven't talked to dad in a minute...."  Well no shit!  You don't say ....

With the anger comes gratitude believe it or not.  I have a lot of friends that make me laugh.  I also have a lot of friends that remember the healthy and hilarious Bernie that everyone loved.  Those stories are like a bear hug.  Irreplaceable.  He touched everyone he knew.  Man do I miss those shananigans.  There's really nothing else to say about him that I haven't already.  He was just that guy.

Drew misses her papa and talks about him every day.  She will be a little sweeter, a little funnier, and a lot stronger from knowing him.  He loved her with his whole heart and soul.  She'll carry that with her .... see,  there's some more of that gratitude thing.

It's been 7 months so I just wanted to write.  Nothing important.  You're not going to find anything profound here, that's for sure.  Just a girl missing her dad and wanting to write about it.  Yawn.

Foundation.

Every time I take a potential buyer to look at a house, they always talk about the foundation.  Without fail.  They want to make sure the foundation is solid.

When a sailboat is on a choppy lake, the sails shift with the wind.  They propel the boat ... push it, and make sure it stays afloat.

So since October 9, I've felt like my foundation isn't as sturdy and the wind, taken out of my sails.  I've learned a lot, and now I'm stuck.  Life is a balance of holding on and letting go, after all, and I don't want to let go.  I have no choice, but I don't want to.  Most days I daydream about him more than I live in reality.  I talk to him.  I listen to the voicemails he left me on my phone.  Every day,  I look at the Cabrera triple crown Detroit News article he stuck on my mirror in my bedroom that I'll never take down.  For fucks sake, I won't even delete the nightly reminders for his medication on my phone.  No way in Hell.  Those annoying bells still make me feel connected.  Now if that's not a "what the hell?!!" moment I don't know what is. ...

In the last two months, people have been overly kind, understanding (or tried), compassionate, quick to share empathies, and generous with their ears and shoulders.  I'm appreciative.  But I'm sick of talking about dad's departure.  Sometimes I just want to pretend he's at home, coloring with Drew and that's as far away as he'll ever be.

Can I just say that this Holiday season is horrendous?  I hate it.  It was his favorite time of year.  Every red bow, every Santa hat, every figurine that lights up and plays obnoxious music has pops written all over it.  Dad would buy out Home Depot every year, I swear.  The more lights, the more loud ass bell ringing and carol singing the better.  Christmas at our Parklane house was like Bronner's on steroids.

I was reading this blog on Facebook the other day listing the top things that grieving people don't want to hear.  I uttered a lot of "uh huhs" to myself.  People mean well, they really do.  But dear God, please stop saying "it'll get better" or "he's in a better place."  I have news for you, it'll get better when I decide to let it and I'm not ready for that.  This pain is excruciating but the crying is cleansing and it reminds me of the fact my dad cannot and will not ever be replaced in my life.  There's that  little bit of magic I always talk about.  They don't make 'em like him.  Next in line, there's no better place for my daddy to be than right here with his family.  Indeed.  I just wish I could hug him.  You have no idea, pops.  I just wish I could hug you.

The other night when Drew was practicing reading a bedtime story to me, she said that you told her you were proud of her.  If you did, I'm begging you to stay with her.  Those moments make her beam.  She can't get enough.

As 2016 approaches, I'm quick to say good riddance 2015, you sucked ass.  But I have this feeling of dread that I'm leaving him behind.  Yea I know I'm not, don't say it.  It's a feeling I have.  Please don't correct my feelings.  They're mine.  Every day I power through gets farther away from when he was here.  Seems absurd to be moving in the wrong direction like that.

Today I was moving my kitchen table over so I could fix my rug under it.  I had a flashback of you standing there next to me and mom the last time we did it.  You wanted to help so bad.  But you were confused and just stood there.  I got annoyed and said "dad, watch out!"  You were startled, but you knew you couldn't help with whatever it is we were doing.  So when I went back to that today, I sat next to my rug and broke down into a blubbering mess.  Like the ugly, snotty cry kind of blubbering mess.  DAMNIT, I hate this.

When I remember you, you're 65, healthy, tan, quick, sharp, hilarious; I could go on and on.  I have to really struggle to remember the 85 year old with dementia and I'm grateful for that.  Thank you for being the father you were.  The man you were to my mother.  To your family.  To your friends.  The imprint you left will forever be unmatched.  The man I marry, if I find him, has some shoes to fill.  May be close to impossible.  By the way, since you're in with the big guy now, you can bring my soulmate to me anytime  **wink wink**.

In closing I just want to put into words how lucky I am to have Drew, my mom, my family, and my closest friends.  Without all of them, this would be even more unendurable, if that's possible.  I'm grateful for every shoulder I've cried on (sorry about the makeup) and every ear I've burned up.  I promise to be there for you when you need me.

Because the truth is, it takes a village to help us get through the rough parts. 

We grow from the rough...

... and we learn to live anyway.