Full Circle. This First Year Was a Bitch ....

A year.  12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes.  I'm not going to even do the seconds but whichever way you look at it, it's a long fucking time.  It's been a bear of a year.  Head down, focus on what's ahead, and understand that controlling the controllables is all you can do.  Damn.  Indeed an explosion of emotional instability ... I am not cut out for this.  Knowing I have no choice makes it all that more interesting.  "Hey mommy, why are you crying?  Did you hurt yourself or are you thinking about papa?"  Don't worry, Drewy, its just mommy's lack of knowing which way is up  ... cry, laugh, scream ... ?  I couldn't be more grateful for Drew.  She gets me.  As she stands staring at me intently, she knows not to hug me until it's over.  She makes me feel better just being in the room.  She knows this.

For the last few days I've woken up in a mess of sweat and tears before my alarm goes off.  Then as I lay there, I slowly remember the dream I was in a few minutes before.  You're there, ALWAYS.  Whether we're laughing or I even remember yelling at some point, you're there, ALWAYS.  Kind of like my real life.  You were forever in my face, letting me know I was loved and you were there.  Letting me know I screwed up, but you were there.  Letting me know I shouldn't lie to a man who taught others about body work and paint on cars about how mom's car got creamed ... oops!  But you were there.  To say you're "gone" makes me cringe.  Like the kind of cringe you get when you watch someone sing in front of a crowd when they really can't ...   I really hate the word gone when I'm talking about you.  I hate everything that has to do with you not being by our side.  It takes my breath away.

I read something the other day about what you learn when you lose a parent and a couple of the points struck me.  One said that when you lose a parent, you become more affectionate and attached.  Uhhh, not at all what I've experienced.  I pull away when I'm in pain.  Almost completely withdraw.  Everyone else has aches of their own, who wants to hear my shit?  There are only a select few I unload on.  They know who they are.  They're the ones standing with shields and armor next to me at the bar or sitting with me on my couch laughing at nothing.  Best friends anyone could ask for.  The last year would have been even more unendurable without them.  Believe me, I appreciate you even if I don't say it.
The next point was you learn not to waste time.  Learned that, maybe even in the last month, but I've learned it.  Anyone or anything that doesn't measure up can watch the back of me as I leave.  Not worth it.  If I could take back every minute with you I took for granted, I would.  It's just a lesson.
A very tough lesson that unfortunately isn't learned until after the fact.  Ugh.

I am embarking on a new journey shortly and man, do I wish you were here.  You would tell me what to do.  You knew everything.  You would have a ton of jokes, laughing about the what ifs, but I would know if the decision I'm making is right.  I wouldn't question it because I never questioned anything you said.  Ever.  One of the greatest gifts you and mom gave me was security.  In all things.  It's a very strange, eery feeling to know there's only one of you now.  She does a damn good job keeping the security thing in play ... But sometimes I just need you.  A LOT of times, I just need you.

Michael tells me I need to let go of you because you have moved on and I need to move on too.  I don't feel like it.  I'm sorry if I'm keeping you around but I can't let go.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel your being.  It's comfort and I'm not ready to be without it.

It's fascinating to me that a year has gone by (not the good kind of fascinating).  Without you.
That's a gross fucking statement right there.  Without you.  

It takes my breath away.

The Road Continues, Even Without You

Daddy's birthday just passed.  I woke up on August 9 struggling to find my balance.  By balance I mean bringing the part of me that knows I need to start mine and Drew's day, together with the part of me that wants to lay in bed, staring at a blank ceiling, alone.  Well I didn't lay and stare at the ceiling all day but I might as well have.  Completely useless.  I wasn't very productive, that's for damn sure.  There's something so strange about that because what's so different about this day than any other day?  I miss you so much every single second of my existence so August 9 wasn't really new news.  It's the fucking dreaded firsts.  Gross.

We're quickly approaching a year which is unbelievable to me.  So many things have happened that I wish you were here to see.  Well I know you see them, I just wish I could see you see them.  My life has been a series of terrible decisions and a million second guesses lately and no matter when I ask you for the answer, I see you with your signature hand move saying "Leave it be."  One of the sentences I heard you say again and again through the years.  You were so wise like that.  Just leave it be.  Let it happen.  Well, just know I hear it even though I haven't been listening to it until recently.  You didn't really expect me to miraculously start taking your great advice, did you?  Sorry to disappoint haha.

I watched a video today of cousin Dawn's wedding to Will.  I know you and Tim are having quite the reunion up there with the family, but the video made me bawl like a baby.  Just as Tim wasn't there to walk Dawn down the aisle to the love of her life, if I ever get married, you won't be there either.

For some reason that crushed my soul today.

I want to dance on the tops of your feet with my whole hand wrapped around your thumb.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a kid again.  When I think of you, I struggle to remember the end and the difficulties of our every day.  I don't like to think about you forgetting your words, the safety covers on the stove knobs so you couldn't turn them on, the long sleepless nights, the bedside commode that you almost pummeled me for making you sit on (LOL).  Nope, I don't think about any of that longer than a couple minutes.  I think about you and your rhymes you would spout off out of nowhere, the slaps on the back of my brothers' heads, your morning coffee spoon trick, your peanut butter toast with butter that no one could make as good as you did, or that damn raspberry coffee cake (HAD to be Entenmann's), you working tirelessly with the boys on the lawn on Parklane, the way you looked at mom every single day ... Hey!  I even went to a Mexican restaurant on your birthday and saw those friggin parrots hanging on perches just like the ones you bought off that lady in Acapulco... remember that?  I sent a pic to Amy while I was at lunch and she laughed so hard.  Omg those things were EVERYWHERE for YEARS!  And all because you didn't want a pregnant woman to have to peddle all day on a hot beach.  How many of those things did you buy, like 150?  I was just a kid, Drew's age actually, but I'll never forget that.  I've always been so proud of you, dad.  

How lucky was I that I had a father so incredible that missing him actually gives me a pain in my chest?  Well duh .... I know I'm luckier than most.  So what.  I miss him and I want him here.  No matter how many voices say he's always with me and sees, blah blah blah, I know all that.  But the thing I long for at this moment, more than any other thing, is a hug from my dad.  Every time I walked in the house, he would say "Hey, kid!"  My biggest fan for sure.  How I miss that voice.

Drew constantly notes how handsome and tan you are now.  I believe her.  And I thank you for sticking around for her.  She's a busy kid, but there isn't a day that passes that she doesn't mention her papa.  She misses you immensely.  Me, you, and mom are her people.  You made it possible, along with mom for me to give her the most loving formative years.  I've said before that she will be a little funnier, a little kinder, and a little wiser for knowing you.  That little lady is going to carry you with her for the rest of her life and for that I couldn't ever thank you enough.

Day to day hasn't changed.  We are learning to deal, but sometimes the emptiness is all consuming.

Someday, maybe, I will semi accept that the road continues without you, but it's never going to be okay with me.

There will be times when you wanna hold on, but you gotta let go.

I have undoubtedly come to realize that there are those who think that I should be in recovery mode by now.  Maybe one day a long time ago I would've thought the same.  And maybe sometimes in the present, I feel that recovery mode could be a viable option shortly.  Then I push the 'shortly' off and understand that shit will just happen when it happens.  Who even knows.

It's the most astonishing concept to me that the death of my dad has actually taught me a lot about myself.  My feelings, the tangible realization that life is so short, my worth, my time, the importance of all of the little moments in a day.  I'm working on it.  I'm working on it.  The importance of the little moments.  And trying to grasp that there will be times when you wanna hold on but you gotta let go.  Learning to breathe.  What a concept.

Crying every day hasn't subsided.  Triggers are all over the place, of course.  Like the other day, leaning on a chair at my table, my friend must've noticed my face and asked me what I was thinking about.  This glass vase of shells I was looking at reminded me of pops and his favorite place.  Ugh.  I love to hate those moments.

A little extra streak of anger has crept in for sure.  Sometimes I'm so mad that I'm missing my dad so much.  And I'm mad that Drew is missing out on the greatest man I've ever known.  I don't care that she was lucky to have him for 6 years.  She doesn't have him now.  I actually grabbed for my phone when I got an accepted deal on a house the other day.  I thought in my head "gotta call dad, he'll love the way this played out."  Fuck!  How the Hell did I just forget I can't call him?!  Happens all the time.  Or I'll think "I haven't talked to dad in a minute...."  Well no shit!  You don't say ....

With the anger comes gratitude believe it or not.  I have a lot of friends that make me laugh.  I also have a lot of friends that remember the healthy and hilarious Bernie that everyone loved.  Those stories are like a bear hug.  Irreplaceable.  He touched everyone he knew.  Man do I miss those shananigans.  There's really nothing else to say about him that I haven't already.  He was just that guy.

Drew misses her papa and talks about him every day.  She will be a little sweeter, a little funnier, and a lot stronger from knowing him.  He loved her with his whole heart and soul.  She'll carry that with her .... see,  there's some more of that gratitude thing.

It's been 7 months so I just wanted to write.  Nothing important.  You're not going to find anything profound here, that's for sure.  Just a girl missing her dad and wanting to write about it.  Yawn.