It's taking a turn ...

It's taking a turn.  I could say for the worse, but let's just say it's taking a turn.  For about the last month, dad's been having a hard time forming words.  We can all see him thinking ... and thinking ... and it doesn't come.  He's so frustrated and so sad.  He said to me yesterday, "I hope this doesn't get worse."  And his eyes filled with tears.  It was only Drew and I sitting alone with him at the table.  I looked at Drew and she could see papa's sadness.  She sees what he's thinking often.  She said, as she rubbed his back, "Papa, don't give up talking.  Think slowly, papa."

In the last couple of days, two of my friends have suddenly lost their fathers and their fathers were young.  It reminds me how lucky we are, but I rarely forget that.

It's funny, I pulled out some old family videos the other day and realized how much pops has changed.  I can't remember the last time I was able to have a meaningful conversation with him besides the ones I have with just his eyes.  I miss him.  A lot.  I really didn't realize how much I miss him until I saw those videos.  That right there is one amazing man.

So here comes the holiday season.  Dad loves the holidays; everything about them.  I remember when I was young, we used to go to any store that sold anything Christmas and he would just about buy out the whole place.  We had trains, figurines, dancing Santas, snow globes, and about 15 stockings on our rock fireplace.  Every Christmas morning mom would have her "list."  It was a numbered list of the Christmas gifts they (Santa) bought for us so we couldn't snoop!  Those were the best and I'm so grateful they're all on tape ... though we made fun of mom for walking around filming our every move, I'm so glad she did.  Every single family member was there .. before any conflict ... before any arguments or turmoil.  Together.  Every single one of us.

I always tell my mom that I had the best childhood and thank her for it.  I knew from the time I can remember that not only did my mom and dad love me more than anything, but so did my brothers and sisters.  It was the most fierce sense of security.  I can't even explain it.  I would often just lay in my bed at night, siblings in their rooms, parents down the hall, and think to myself "thank God this will always be like this."

Isn't that the way kids think?  They haven't learned yet that there are no guarantees in life.  I'm so thankful for that.  I'm so thankful that Drew thinks that way right now.  When you finally figure that out, it can be pretty painful.  Terribly painful, actually.  Life changes.

And really what choice do I have except to accept?  It's all up to me how I play these cards.  For sure.  It's really easy for me to get into a dark place remembering what was and missing that assurance that "this" would always be.   The best memories of my life are when I lived on Parklane in Livonia.  At the center of all of our worlds was a young, vibrant mom who was more loving than anyone I had ever met.  And a dad who was stronger than any other man.

My wish for Drew.  That I can give her this security, this childhood, these memories, and the will to play her cards.

And this to my mom and dad, just thank you, as always.  Thank you for giving me that security.  Thank you for being at every play, every boring Catholic school singing program, every basketball game, every figure skating lesson, every tennis match, every riding lesson ... it just goes on and on.

And this to Drew, I promise that one day you will be sitting on your couch thinking of your wonderful childhood.  I promise you will feel like your papa has been here all of your life, and I promise that you will smile thinking of the infinite love you have had.

We're only here for a short time, kid.  We're gonna make it good.

MY life .. not just his

I haven't written in a long time.  I'm not sure why.  Sometimes it's easier for me to live the moments and let them go.  But when I get the urge to write, that's what I do.  I never feel better until it's on paper.

For the first time in 5 years I'm moving away from mom and dad and it will be Drew's first time in her life without them in the next room.  Big changes for us.  And for papa.  I know in my head that everything is going to be ok.  Everything happens for a reason, and no matter what, time just keeps on ticking; it stops for no one.  Soak it in.  I'm always reminding myself to do that.  Soak it in.  These are the days and the moments with dad I'll wish I could feel again.  Even if just for a few minutes.

I wrote the above about a month ago and couldn't keep going.  Writer's block, apparently.  So I walked away from it until today and here it comes.

Mom and dad moved into a condo that's a ranch.  That's what's best for dad, the stairs really aren't his friend anymore :).  He's frail and pretty unsteady on his feet.  We go over there frequently to eat dinner and visit.  Every time we go, I see that stare.  It's the blank stare that I loathe.  I really hate it.  I always wonder what he's thinking in those moments and I always dream about what he might see.  I say to myself,  "I'm sure he's constantly thinking about number one, the job sites :), his young wife, their traveling adventures, his kids and their shenanigans, his grandkids, his Harley he used to ride, the cars he used to paint, the horses he raised and trained, his dream home he built, the friends they always used to go out with" ....  IS he really thinking of all of that?  No, I think those are the things that are always going through my own head.  His thoughts are the simple kind these days ..  Quite possibly, and more than likely, his thoughts are even smaller and more fleeting than I can imagine.  Today for instance, he couldn't believe the Tigers blew that lead.  But only because he was watching the game 3 minutes before that.  Living in the moment is the only way for him.  Right now is the only thing that matters.

Today I found out that brother Mike took dad's truck from him.  For the last time.  We have all discussed it and we agree that he shouldn't be behind the wheel.  Not only could he get lost and hurt himself, but he could hurt someone else and of course none of us want that.  So Mike told him he needed to use his truck for the pool company this summer.  Pops said yes right away.  If it has to do with a pool, there's no question he'll do it!  It was a great plan and it worked.  No protesting.  No explaining.  Just like that .. the truck is gone.

So why am I so damn sad about this?  It's tugging at my heart, the sadness is just overwhelming.

I figured it out.

It's me knowing that I will never pass dad on the road again.  I will never pull up in the driveway at the same time he is leaving to go to a job.  I will never make sure his insurance slip is in the glove box in case he gets pulled over (yep that happened a million times and he always got out of it!), and I'll never have to go take his spare key to him again because he locked his keys in his truck.  It's another part of my dad's life, of MY life, that's slipping away.  There are a few memories I have .. a few staples, if you will .. of my childhood that are the meaning of my dad and my brothers.  They are the pools, the trucks, dirt, the ten or more pairs of work boots at the front door, the cement stained jeans, the hands that mom would yell about before dinner.  "Go wash those before you even THINK about filling your plate!"  Ahh, I couldn't have better childhood memories.  So for me, the truck ... it's so much bigger than just the truck.  It's part of the best memories I hope I can hold onto for the rest of my life.

  

Only a minute glance into the best memories a kid can have are above.  I can only say this one thing that I have said in many blogs before.  I'm so grateful that I've had him, my dad.  He's truly one of the greatest men I've met in my life.  There's no one else like him and there probably never will be.  

If you would read my blog, dad, which I know you probably never will, I would want you to know how much you have impacted my every goal and aspiration.  I strive to be the parent you are to me, every second of my life I've known you love me more than life itself and I can only hope that one day Drew feels strongly enough about her love for me and the memories I helped create for her that she wants to scream it on a mountain top and tell everyone she can get to listen.

.... Or simply write a blog of her thoughts that radiates her endless love for me .....